"There should be a name here, that doesn't exist"
Author Chernihivtseva Tetyana, psychologist
Presentation on the role of the "Trauma and Childhood" project.
06.2022
"Trauma and childhood" project started in September 2022.
This is a story about the ordinary weekdays of a psychologist in Ukraine.
Not everything I feel can be put into words, so I decided to supplement the story with photos of a volunteer and photos I took during meetings with children. These photos in their own way tell about the mad world in which we live. At first glance, these are two stories about two separate worlds. But this is one world, which consists of incompatible parts. In such a world, the feelings that arise, as it were, torn you from the inside into separate parts.
Or whether are crushing you from the outside? Such is the world we exist in. Or do we still live in it?
I brought this world with me to meetings with Monica Cardenal and Carlos Vasques. I will share some cases from our supervision meetings.
But I also want to share thoughts, feelings, sensations that arise during or after holding groups with children. However, more often than not, questions arise.
I don't have answers to these questions...
Perhaps you will find them.
Is this the kind of world we adults are building?
This world is full of horror, screaming, hatred, anxiety, fear, despair, disbelief, pain, fatigue, suffering...
Is there enough room in this world for other feelings?
Are other feelings possible in such a world?
Is it possible to feel such different feelings at the same time?
Is it possible to reduce the strength and intensity of feelings?
Is it possible to stop feeling some feelings and start feeling others?
Is it possible to feel safe at least sometimes, when the air alarm invades life several times during the day and at night?
Is it possible in this world not just to exist, but to be, to live?
Yes, this world is built by us - adults.
For what? For whom? What will this world be like? Were adults once children? I sometimes think - rather not...
And if they were, what were they? What do adults lack? What are they striving for? What are they looking for? Why did they turn into these!? Do adults know that children still live in this world? I sometimes think - rather not...
Will children in such a world ever become adults?... And those children who do manage to grow up, what will they be like?
Kyiv. Number of air alarms:
2022 October: during the day - 40, at night - 15;
November: during the day - 16, at night -;
December: during the day - 21, at night - 5;
2023 January: during the day – 16, at night – 2;
February: daytime – 25, night – 2;
March: during the day – 33, at night – 3;
April: during the day – 6, at night – 3;
May: during the day - 16, at night - 16.
(day from 6:00 a.m. to midnight, night from 12:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m.).
All children at meetings react to any sudden sounds that they hear at the moment.
First they freeze. And then they ask "What is this?". And, of course, every time we stop, breathe together, talk, answer, explain. We do the same when the children cannot yet ask, because they do not yet know how to speak.
Every time the air alarm sounds, children in kindergarten or school stop playing with friends, walking or studying; every time children are woken up during sleep; every time children stop breakfast or lunch; and every time one or more times a day they are taken to the shelter...
Because of this, children cannot complete what they have started at all, or at least, do it as they would like to do; get pleasure from at least some activity; recover during sleep... This is a constant expectation of something unknown, uncertain, frightening, from which it is impossible to protect yourself...
At one of the meetings, when the children and I were talking about "surprise" and when the children felt it, one of the participants, four and a half years old, said: "I wonder why there has been no air alarm for so long" (it had not been for several days ).
There are parents who still continue to put their children to sleep on the floor in the hallway every night, instead of in their own beds. Is it possible to feel safe in such a "safe place"? After all, when the child is here, in the corridor between two walls, it means that the world around is still dangerous...
And children bring this world to the group.
Photos of meetings in the shelter
At that meeting, the children and I talked about "anger" and drew it.
"- I want to turn into a katsap(offensive slang name for a "russian")," the four and a half year old participant suddenly said after stopping drawing, and started walking quickly around the office. For what? - I asked.
To kill all the katsaps and then I'll turn back into myself.”
What I heard scared me, I was confused. Later, I thought about the rage and fear that was overflowing now, and asked myself, "Can we not turn into katsaps, sending them curses? Will we be able to remain ourselves now and after the war is over? If not, what will we become?"
By the way, this participant then for the first time depicted something concrete - a frowning facial expression when drawing anger. Before that, when drawing, he always randomly painted the sheet with different colors, regardless of the theme of the drawing, humming loudly at the same time. And from that time he began to draw himself, and then his family in the form of "cephalopods" with smiles. At that time, air alarms sounded every day, children who came to the group after kindergarten, loudly talked about how angry they were when they had to interrupt their activities and go to the shelter because of it.
Dialogue at the meeting with children 4-5 years old
Children, regardless of age, enjoy playing games in classes in which you can break, crush, tear, destroy and build. It happens in different ways. Either I offer exercises, explaining the rules, or the children come up with them themselves, agreeing among themselves on the terms of the game. Children like to do this in a group, running noisily.
"Build-destroy" is the only name that children came up with for such games. And this is, in fact, a real game from real life, which we are all forced to play together, both adults and children, every day. But is it a game?
And I also brought this topic about the incessant energy of children to the meeting with Monica Cardenal and Carlos Vasques. It is like a volcano, the lava of which suddenly erupts outwards and can hurt those nearby. Together with the children, we try to manage the power of this lava at meetings.
That is what the first photo is about.
And children really like creativity. This is an opportunity to be alone with your thoughts. But to create their own world as they want to see it, fill it with their own colors, feelings, dreams, talk in a circle.
That is what the second photo is about.
And, of course, none of us ever knows if we'll be able to get through the entire meeting without air alarm.
Energy
There was no light, the lantern was burning.
We read the fairy tale "Glove", as always in a circle. While reading, the circle became narrower and denser. This is the end of the fairy tale, silence has come.
Suddenly, the children started hugging me, time seemed to stop. I felt unity, some inner strength, peace, warmth, hope, silence, and at the same time a burden of longing, pain, despair, loneliness, despair.
We sat as a group in each other's arms in silence, no one knew how long it would last. The lantern was burning. I felt the touch of small hands, the children were clinging to me and to each other. It was especially touching, tender, gentle and at the same time terrible.
After all, war was felt with every breath.
Unfortunately, I don't have these warm photos. But, to be honest, I didn't even think about doing them then.
On this photos are children of the same group, where they, as a group, supporting each other, get to know the world, which can be very interesting, attractive, colorful, fun.
But now this world is different...
While reading, I slightly changed the fairy tale and particulary its ending, because in the original it seemed quite disturbing to me.
A meeting with children aged 4-5. "The Glove" is a Ukrainian folk tale.
It was the time of New Year's gifts.
After searching and thinking, I finally understood what I would offer the children and what the work would be - it is a colorful glove in the shape of a book.
My idea was as follows - colorful pieces of paper of different shapes and sizes pasted in random order according to the child's wishes are like the feelings that children bring to the group. They can be opposite, incompatible, contradictory. And we will find a time and place for all this, we will be able to place it in our space, we will try to give it a shape, give it a name...
But is it up to us? And the form of the book is a memory of our reading a fairy tale together that evening, of our circle, of our hugs, of our feelings. By the way, since that time in this group, hugs have become a tradition at every meeting. It always happens suddenly, one of the children starts and everyone picks up.
And since May, the hugs have become so strong that I get the impression that the children want to strangle me. It already hurts a lot from these hugs, there is a desire to break free from them.
"Glove"
I sincerely thank the coordinator of the project "Trauma and Childhood" Taras Levin, translator Ilona, technical support, thanks to this team such meetings are possible.
I sincerely thank Monica Cardenal and Carlos Vasques for their support, for the opportunity to openly share feelings in a circle, to tell dreams, to hear the opinions of colleagues, for the opportunity to at least feel stability somewhere. After all, the meetings took place exactly according to the schedule at the agreed time.
The calm, measured host, balanced accompaniment of Monica Cardenal and Carlos Vasques gave strength, faith that it is possible to cope with all this, even when the container seemed already full...
The opportunity to freely ask questions on an exciting topic (and there were many such topics and questions), open dialogues, clear discussion of the incomprehensible - all this added confidence, which I could also share with those who needed it.
We met when the air alarm was howling, and when there was no light, and when there were far fewer participants than usual. But Monica Cardenal and Carlos Vasques were waiting for us, holding the circle and the thought of it supported us.
I wanted to talk about the importance, value, necessity of our meetings. I hope I succeeded. Thank you!
This is the silence that I tried to translate into words.
It is silence about the world that surrounds us.
This world can be anywhere. Anyone can find themselves in such a world.
This world is now in my country. Such a world can be in each of us.
What kind of world are we adults building?
What will be the next brick?
And will the next brick be at all?
Special thanks to children and parents. After all, we all held together and still hold our common circle.
Photos from the classes were taken from October 2022. to June 2023 and published with the consent of parents and children.
The photos of Georgiy Kostienkov are also used and published with his consent. He volunteered in Kyiv and Chernihiv regions from April to November 2022 with many Ukrainians, clearing rubble after the liberation of our land by Ukrainian troops. GLORY to the Armed Forces of Ukraine! GLORY TO THE HEROES!
There are no production photos. The number of air alarms was counted independently. The data is taken from the telegrams of the Kyiv City Administration channel, which contains the necessary information about the current situation in the city.
City of Kyiv, Ukraine. June, 2023.
Psychologist Chernigovtseva Tetyana. Thank you!
P.S.I had doubts about which photo to place at the end. Now I perceive the world exactly as on the previous photo. Or is world the same as in this photo? I hope that each of us, adults, will sort out the rubble (both our own and shared) to the best of our abilities and capabilities, and at least plan to rebuild this world, remembering that there are still children living in it.
